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And how could I listen to myself if I could hear the world so loudly screaming from all corners? “That’s what your parents think,” the boy says when I tell him of the Sabbath nightmare. Those moments are just as real as those other moments, just as dear to me, and just as true.To deny their validity, to look away, to cover them up, to silence them, is to silence a part of myself.And because of the way you pray softly and lovingly and with pause, Dad, I begin to pause, I begin to see the soft and loving light that seeps beneath the seams of religion.I see all of this and, Dad, I want you to know that everything I love about religion is because of you.

“Mom,” I say, “I don’t want to die for somebody else. “I did not raise you like this.” She pauses and shakes her head. What’s he going to do— bring your kids to shul and just stand there not praying?

I can no longer blind myself to the worlds beyond our world. And I understand generations of great scholars before me have grappled with understanding their world and recorded their struggle in Halachic prose and Talmudic arguments.

But I do not want to just be a vessel, do not want to merely pass on their meaning to the next generation.

For me, Judaism had become a paradigm of meaning, as something which I act within in order to structure my life with purpose, as a means for me to reach out into the void and create value. Maybe I should stop blaming this wonderful boy for teaching me, with hope and disregard, to see past boxes and lines.

Then it struck me— he really believes in it— in the mitzvoth having intrinsic value, in the spiritual forces running the world, in prayer, in miracles. And I think of my dentist appointment a few days earlier, when the technician had asked me if I floss. “Well, you need to do it strongly and with umph,” she responded. I wonder if I will meet her, myself, after all these years, on the other side of death, on the other side of dreams and I’ll shake her hand and ask her simply, Maybe I should stop blaming my wonderful parents for teaching me, with force and love, the things which give their life meaning.




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